Where have all my "friends" gone?

So, tonight I was procrastinating--again [insert eye-roll here]. I know...I think someone put a curse on me to always be a procrastinator. Anyway - I clicked over to Facebook [again with the eye-roll]. As I scanned down my list of friend updates, I felt like I was seeing the same people again and again. Yes, there were the regular posters and an equal amount that never post anything. But, beyond those...where were the rest of my 150 friends? (I know--you can't believe I have 150 friends--me either).

Then, I remembered...and, I felt a small pang of guilt...I had "hidden" them. You know---hiding is when you decide you can't do the mature thing and unfriend someone that offends or irritates you so you just hide them. They don't know and the "friend"ship continues unscathed. Well, once I searched around a bit, I found a list of all the "friends" I had hidden...32 to be exact. That's [insert your own math here] percent of my 150 total. I know...shame on me. (If there was a distinction between "good" and "bad" friends on FB, I would definitely be questionable.) But, then I couldn't remember why I had hidden them in the first place. So, I unhid them all.

[fast forward two hours]

While working diligently, I took a "peak" over to Facebook (peaking is not really procrastinating, right?)...And, my FB wall is packed with "______ was just tagged [insert picture of cleavage]" or "I can't believe ______. She is such a ________." and some things I can't even say out loud. Good grief, Charlie Brown. NOW I remember why I hid them. Ugh! You may say that I am being judgmental and elitest...you'd be correct. My time and wall space are valuable and your drama need not clog the system.

On the other hand, Facebook is a wonderful kind of craziness...it's a free for all and that's why I love it. I love hearing about your beer-brewing antics, your standing in line at grocery store, the funny thing your kid just said. I love that you share music, videos, and links to some wild stuff. And, I love to cheer you on as you lose weight, support your favorite team, or need to rant about the weather. But, if I want to look at cleaveage, I have my own and I know that ________ is a total ________. Needless to say, I have re-started the process of hiding "friends."

Now...this may leave you pondering two questions:

1) Why don't I just unfriend them? I am way too immature for that. And, I wouldn't want them to think I'm unfriendly and don't want to be their friend (even though we aren't really friends at all).

and

2) Have I hidden you? Hmmmm....shown any cleavage lately?

I'm way too old to be embarrassed...or, am I?

As the kids would say...I totally biffed it yesterday on the driveway. For us older folks, this translates to "I slipped on the ice and fell flat on my back." I know, all you ice-mavens are asking why I wasn't doing the penguin shuffle? For those of you with little to no experience walking on ice this is that goofy-looking walk that really should be categorized as a slide rather than a walk since you barely lift your feet (think 95 year old nursing home resident shuffling down the hallway). I'll admit I was in an infantile huff over something (what was that about, anyway?) and neglected everything I've learned from my lifetime of winter experience. Despite knowing that a slick patch of ice was lurking under the snow by the front steps, I was doing more stomping than walking, stepped right on that ice and landed on my back catching my ribs on the corner of the bottom step...[insert your sympathy here]. Ugh!

As I lay on the driveway in full view of all God's creation for a few minutes gathering myself together and assessing the damage to my aching body (I was only bruised, thank heavens), my thoughts gave rise to the embarrassment factor. Since I spent most of my younger years embarrassed by everything, I had thought I was over this. But, I couldn't decide if I wanted someone to come upon me and offer their assistance or if the situation was just too embarrassing. The aches, wet, and cold are quickly multiplying and all I can do is argue with myself over why, if at all, I should be embarrassed. I am an adult and falls happen to everyone. There really should be no embarrassment at all. But, there I lay...contemplating the need for help versus having someone see me in such a predicament. Will I never grow up? Why is it that we get embarrassed over something we have no control over? Or, did I? Maybe I was more embarrassed that I wouldn't have fallen at all were I not being immature and sulking.

So, my lesson for this week is...okay, my lessons (plural) for the week are: 1) think twice about throwing a tantrum--they never get you anywhere, and may just get you bruised up; 2) if you fall, either get yourself up or call for help--laying on the cold snowy driveway arguing with yourself is futile and only makes you more miserable; 3) the pain from a fall is far worse on day two; and 4) you are never to old to be embarrassed, but pick and choose when to allow it--walking around with your skirt tucked up into your pantyhose, thereby showing your bum to your coworkers is embarrassing - falling on a patch of ice isn't.

And, yes, I have experienced number 4...it was embarrassing and reason number #459 why no one should wear pantyhose anymore...they are an embarrassment opportunity just waiting to happen.

Shhhh, don't tell...

I'm all alone, sitting on the couch, watching Jane Austen's Emma on my husband's ridiculously (and deliciously) big screen TV. I've just eaten the biggest bowl of cheerios for dinner (very Seinfeld) and it's so pleasantly perfect. My family is off gallivanting around the state enjoying their wonderful day...all to my great pleasure. Now, don't get me wrong...I love, love, love my husband and children. But, I'll let you in on a little secret...I love being home alone. Tonight I am pretending to not have anything else to do so I can just sit and enjoy my solitude. Aaaaghh, the quiet is intoxicating. I encourage all of busy people out there who are never alone in your own home to make haste...time's a wasting. Schedule some fun for your loved ones...make up an excuse to stay home (let me know if you need help coming up with one)...and enjoy whatever amount of time you have (in your own home) doing whatever makes you happy. Here are a few activity (or sans activity) ideas to get you started...

1. spend 15 minutes napping on each bed in your home...this prepares you for number 2
2. take a wonderfully long, rejuvenating nap in the most comfy bed in the house
3. place every pillow from the house on the floor -- create your own oasis of leisure, comfy blankets only add to the effect
4. store up your favorite shows and movies on DVD or DVR to ensure viewing pleasure the second the front door closes on your family
5. play all those video games your kids (and spouse) play and you never take the time to -- they are fun...plus, you'll seem really cool when you can talk about their favorite games
6. do a puzzle (without "help" from the family)
7. order in even if it's not time to eat -- it's "kind of" like having someone else cook for you and you get to pick what you want with no giving in to anyone else
8. read a book or get a book on audiotape and let the book read to you

Okay, start planning now...because between you and me...I am in alone-time heaven. So, finagle some time and come up with your most luxuriously lazy alone-time non-activity.

Sorry, gotta run...got some me-time on the agenda. And, remember, it's just between you and me.

Whoever said no more excuses never met me...

My sister and I decided to work out together. Yes, she lives over 120 miles away! But, I decided I can't do it by myself...I'm so not motivated to work out. And, yes, I know I'm a certified fitness instructor...this rubs it in even more that I can get others to exercise, but not myself. Since I don't have anyone here to work out with, I asked my sister to work out with me. She agreed...hooray! We haven't figured out the logistics, but it basically means we will hold each other accountable. I need someone to get on me to work out...and, it can't be my husband. He has an innate ability to work out on his own...this drives me crazy! I would rather scrub the bathroom toilet than go work out. Don't get me wrong...I know the importance of exercise and I feel great while I'm doing it. But, the getting there is so hard! I kept thinking that a treadmill in our house was the answer, but I think it would just collect dust, or clothing, or become a plaything for the kids. That's a lot of $$ to spend on a clothes rack. So, I am back to the gym....aaargh! I went on Wednesday night and had a great run with some weights and plyometrics. It's now Friday and I so don't want to go. The time is quickly creeping nearer and already my head is full of excuses why I shouldn't go. Here's a few I've considered...

* It's 9 degrees outside -- a sweaty body out in this cold could cause major illness or even death!
* I have so much to do -- laundry, dishes, writing lesson plans, a toilet to scrub
* I forgot my water bottle -- the time it takes to continuously refuel my body with water at a drinking fountain negates the time I would actually be exercising
* I forgot my iPod -- leaving me the impossible decision of which cable channel to watch on my very own tv screen on my treadmill -- an endless decision that would, again, negate the time I would be there
* My butt is so comfy right here -- it's a lot of work to go exercise -- there's the standing up, putting on my coat, getting in the car, parking, walking into the gym, pushing the automatic door button, putting my coat in a locker, pushing the elevator button for the third floor (why take the stairs when there's an elevator?), actually doing the exercise, and then repeating the process...so much work--ugh!
* I might strain a muscle -- which means I wouldn't be able to fully participate in this weekend's activities with my family
* I might meet some hunky man working out who decides he needs to take me to Jamaica for a romantic getaway leaving my family in the lurch till he leaves me high and dry for another woman -- what would my family do without me until I return?

Oh, the reasons NOT to work out far outweigh the reasons TO work out. But, then I'd have to lie to my sister (which I am very good at, btw) about exercising and that would negate the whole "will you work out with me" thing we've set up. Ugh! What's a lazy girl to do? I know. I know...ugh -- fine...I'll just go work out. But, only because I have to...not because I want to!

*************3 hours later***************
I did it...under duress and only because I had to. I believe I broke my toe, my throat is parched, I must have pulled at least 145 muscles, I'm dehydrated, won't be able to move at all tomorrow and will need at least a week to recuperate. So, I hope you're happy. I did it. And, now until next time...I'm off to think of more excuses.

To "do" or not to "do"

I'm sitting at my desk looking out the window into the darkness of the late night. I can see the dim outline of our neighbor's home backlit by a dark snow-sky. I've been pining about not having the time to write more. So much to do, so little time...a to-do list a mile long. My neighbor also has a to-do list...and all the time in the world to get it done. He is retired and still young. He goes fishing, hunting, out with friends, volunteers, spends countless hours keeping his yard and home above par, and I envy him every bit for his freedom. I envy the sheer time he has to while away cutting his lawn, raking his roof, reading the paper...aagh, the life. Or, is it? I wish everyday for more time...for my family and friends, to work on my house, to shovel, to read, to vacuum. But, what would I do with more time? I would fill it with something else. I spent last semester in class four nights a week. When that was over my family was elated to have me home. And, somewhere between then and now, I've filled up three of my newfound free nights and Saturday morning. What I realize is that freedom to me is more than just free time...it's the ability to participate, to engage with others, to "do". If I spend the day "stuck" at home I go crazy...well, more like moody (just ask my husband). I get cranky thinking about all of the things we could or should be doing. That doesn't mean I don't have days at home. It means that I have been having more cranky days lately. I am a better person when I'm on the move. I was so much more productive when I was going to school full-time and working full-time. When there's no extra time, there's no time to waste. But, is sitting at home a waste of time? Is it okay to just hang out with my family, never bothering to get out of our pj's? Of course! Sometimes our body, mind, and spirit needs time to shut off. The to-do list isn't going to get done anytime soon, the snow will still be there...or, better yet, will fall again as soon as it gets shoveled. The grass can wait for mowing. Another day with a dirty toilet will not harm us. So, why can't I just let go? Ugh! I watch my neighbor and seethe envy at his continuous "doing" and pine away for the day I'll be able to do that. But, there are trade offs. His children no longer live with him, he's alone most of the day, and he is the only one there to get things done. My house may be a mess, my to-do list a mile long, my blog gathering dust...but they are mine. And, they can wait till tomorrow...it's time to snuggle with my kids :-)

Procrastinate with me!!

Since the weather has interrupted my 2-day travel plans (first total bummer), I'm resigned to spend this time studying for my licensing test on Saturday. Studying = Second total bummer... But, before I get started, I'm sure there are a few things I "need" to do...

- kids off to school - cereal - load of laundry - check facebook - shower (and a shave just in case I have to go to the emergency room; you never know!) - brush teeth - check facebook, again - straighten study area (good studying is organized studying) - warm blanket (gets cold sitting on my arse) - put away some Christmas decorations - check facebook, again (gotta keep up with my peeps) - And, finally, put on my super-study-rific, warm and cozy, oh so cuddly, fluffy socks (can't study with cold feet!)

Okay, so I'm ready...Or, am I? I'm sure there is something else that MUST be done before I can study. Studying is not nearly as important as, say, brushing the cobwebs from the ceiling. Who can study knowing that there are creapy crawlies hanging above? Oh, my. Is that the mail carrier? Can't leave the mail sitting out in the cold. The carrier has trudged through snow, sleet, ice, rain, and blazing heat to get me those bills and junk mail. I owe it to him to put my studying aside to go to the mailbox.

Okay, ready to study. No, wait...hold on...[run to bathroom and glide on some deoderant. A studying girl NEEDS to be dry and smelling good].

Okay, NOW I'm ready study. Well, maybe after I...

It can be wacky being a grown-up

I re-read my first blog post the other day. Wow, I really am wackadoo. But, more importantly, I came away from it feeling like I need to refocus. The wackadoo world we live in is supposed to be fun and light-hearted. Instead, the wackadoo world has gotten kind of serious and adult-like. I admit the past few months were intense. I was very busy with school and work and was hit in the heart with some serious life-altering realizations. But, I let them muddy up the great parts of life.

What I realize is that being an adult can be pretty sucky sometimes. A young person I know was in a really big hurry to grow up. She graduated from high school a semester early in an attempt to be an adult. She so wanted to move into the world...I think it was more of that youthful "I can't wait to do whatever I want to do" idea of what adulthood means. I kept telling her that adulthood is difficult; there are responsibilities. From her perspective it was all about staying up all night, hanging with friends, playing video games all day instead of going to class. This was her idea of adulthood. Even for an 18-year old this seems pretty naive.

As my blog posts moved away from the silliness of life and into the seriousness of life, I've been considering...what is adulthood? When did I cross the threshold? Have I, yet?

What I've deduced is that, while I'm still evolving, I'm constantly being thrust into adult-like situations but still yearning to recapture some of the "youth" I feel I missed growing up. Adulthood is not an age so much as it is actions or thoughts that put your own needs behind the needs of those who depend on you or those that are vested in your life...children, siblings, colleagues, parents. Choosing a path in life because it is in the best interest of your family is an adult behavior. Graduating from school early to live off your parent so that you can hang with your friends all night and sleep all day is slacker youth behavior.

I say this and it sounds judgmental. It is. It also sounds like being adult is a superior state of being. It isn't. I already stated that being an adult can be sucky. It's true. There are some days I lay in bed overwhelmed with the day ahead of me...a day packed with school, kids, work, laundry, bills. But, then I throw off the covers and roll out of bed knowing that the world may be packed with to-do lists but they are mine to handle as I may. Some days that means I get a little adult-serious. But, most often, I take them in stride knowing that life is short and adult-serious gets boring really fast. I have learned over the past few months that I can be responsible and a little wacky in the process...okay, a LOT wacky.

A big year behind us. A big year ahead of us.

Finished. Over. Done. The End. December 31...the last day of the year. Time for reflection, regrets, and "should have done's." There's no turning back...no do-overs. What have I done with my year? What should I have done with these 365 days?

It's been just over 24 hours since last year. The difference in me--in my outlook--makes those hours seem like a completely different century. My family arrived home about 12:45am after a nice evening with friends welcoming in the new year. I started this post about 10:30pm and my focus was the regrets...The first five words speak well to my feelings at the "end" of 2009.

Yesterday was the last day of my job. It was a temporary job, I was more of a place marker, a holder. I was helping out while I finished my last semester of class-time. I knew this; I just didn't realize how much I would love it. It was harder to walk away than I imagined. So, yesterday I was focusing on the end of something great.

That--was yesterday. Today is the first day...a new beginning, a fresh start. The beginning of a new year. Thankfully, I am an old person and wasn't able to stay awake long enough to post the "negative nancy-ness" I would have said yesterday. This morning I was a much different person. I now have a clear head...well, as clear as my head can ever get.

This has been an incredible year of challenges, excitement, fulfillment, and amazing personal growth. My heart and mind have been stretched beyond anything I could have imagined.

So, cheers to a new and exciting year. Here's to moving forward, to blessings and happiness in 2010. This new year--the year I get my teaching license; the year I get my life back; the year I get my family back; the year I start paying off my student loans...oh, wait...that's not a positive thing. But, there are plenty of other positive things. I am truly blessed and look forward to an incredible new year.

Undo

Hearing some noises and comments of frustration, I asked my office mate what was challenging her. "I just get so frustrated," she said. "I accidentally deleted what I was working on. I don't even know how I did it and now I have to start all over." I asked if the undo button wasn't working. "The undo button?" Learning about the undo button changed her life. All the time she had wasted fixing and redoing when she could have just clicked undo. And, so I think, what if there was an "undo" for life's mistakes--life's choices?

For the small stuff, there may be some discomfort--an apology, a return trip to the store "no, there's nothing wrong with it. I just changed my mind." But, what about the big stuff? What about when you make a choice in life only to find out that it wasn't the right one? In the scheme of life, our big decisions are rarely made in a vacuum. Your buying a house may effect the seller buying another house from another seller and so on. Your taking a job affects the next best candidate. Your not taking a job opens up an opportunity for another person. We are all interconnected and there is no simple undo with so many involved.

So, we are left with some oft used expressions--suck it up, move on, get over it. Easy words, yet so difficult to do. And, all the while we'll be pining for an undo.

I've got some things I'd like to say...

My cats drive me nuts. I have no more room in my head for all of the passwords and pin codes that are needed nowadays. I was just kidding when I was singing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas." Next year we can just sprinkle flour on the grass. Buying bigger jeans because I finally gained the Freshmen 15 in my last class semester is not a pleasant task. Fluffy socks are my new best friend. Sometimes people are dumb. Not following your heart is a mistake. People who have blogs but never post to them are annoying...I'm talking about myself. Having a blog with no time to post to it is annoying...I'm talking about myself again. This flurry of thoughts is really how my brain works. Youth are incredible people and highly underrated. Thanks for good friends! It's irritating being 5'2.5" b/c I'm too tall for petites and too short for regulars. I stay up all night at least once a week. Putting Christmas lights on the tree is a fine art (perfected by me, taught to me by my mom), but it is a lonely job...the kids don't have patience for it so I just let them do it this year...and, it looks just fine (at least I keep telling myself that). I can't put our van in the garage because there are still bags of leaves in there that we never managed to get to the dump. I love coloring my hair red(ish). I have totally slacked off on school work this semester...thanks to good friends who have covered for me. I am supposed to be finishing our final project right now and am totally procrastinating. I used to sit in the pews waiting for confession and ask God for a sign that she was there when now I know all I need to do is look around me and see God in everything and everyone. I have learned a lot about cultural diversity by making some major mistakes. Sometimes my brain stops working. I love my husband. I can't stand putting laundry away. Christmas songs are great all year round. Since September I have earned a yoga certification, finished (as of tomorrow) 21 college credit hours, worked an average of 35 hours a week as a church youth director, completed 45 hours of field experience with first grade, spent a week researching Zebrafish at Mayo, worked with middle schoolers to implement Zebrafish research in their curriculum, coordinated a parent/child event for the kids' school, taught 6 weeks of swimming lessons to preschoolers, spent the night in a cardboard box, taught 6am fitness classes two/three times a week, and managed to still spend a little time with my husband and children...phew! To be continued...